Can I Push Your Button?
by bungiefan89
Summary: The Tower of Salvation has an elevator. It can hold one person at a time, and it takes 24 hours to go up, and 24 hours to go back down. The problem? 6 people want to go up. 7th chapter is up! FINNISHED! R
1. BUTTON!

This is the revised version of my first chapter. I have reformatted it in such a way that I've changed it as little as possible, yet the fact remains that this story is no longer in 'script format', as it is indeed against the rules.

NOTE TO READERS: This _is_ in fact my first fic, and as such, it's probably not very good, but part of the sub title of this web site is "…free your **soul**.", so that's what I'm doing.

SECOND NOTE TO READERS: this little bit of insanity is officially rated T, even though some people might say it would be better off in the "rated M" category, but I'm the author, so HA! Beat that!

THIRD (and final) NOTE TO READERS: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE read and review, that's what "R&R" means, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT HERE; FOR ME TO GET REVIEWS! So enjoy o.k. :-)

I don't own Tales of Symphonia, its respective characters or the Tower of Salvation.

Oh yeah, just a little background ABOUT THE STORY. First off, I sort of have _accidentally_ altered the original plot line of Tales of Symphonia. What I mean by 'accidentally' is that I originally thought the final destination of the game would be the Tower of Salvation, and that you would be forced to climb this enigmatic pillar that goes up for ever and ever. Having said that I thought, "Hey! What if the Tower of Salvation had an elevator?" then the other voice in my head (yeah, I here voices, but who cares!) said, "Well even if that's an express elevator, it would probably take you about a day to get to the top, and a day for the elevator to get back down!" Then I thought, "Yeah, and there's only enough room on the elevator for one person at a time!" So I figured; a story that revolved around 6 people (Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Kratos, Raine, and Sheena) who are trying to use an elevator with these particular characteristics would be great for my first anecdote on FanFiction. I'd Also like to clear up that this story was thought up by me when I was not very far in the game (Sheena had only just joined my party); I foolishly thought that aside from Sheena, Raine, Kratos, Genis, Colette, and Lloyd, there were to be no other characters to join the party throughout the rest of the game. And now that I have thoroughly beaten the game, I know that much of this document will contain rather false information. Also consider that despite the fact that some of the characters in this story may seem to get their egos hurt/abused by me, I am very, very, very passionate about this game (it's my 2nd favorite video game ever right after The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time), and I truly mean no harm to its characters or reputation.

WARNINGS: OOCness, swearing, Zelos-related humor (but no Zelos), AND NO LEMONS AND/OR LIMES!

ONWARD!

The party had finally made it to the Tower of Salvation. After many long months of fighting enemies, solving puzzles, saving cities, freeing slaves, and being forced to stay in one another's dysfunctional and obnoxious company for longer than is suggested for ones health; they were at last their destination: The Tower of Salvation. They had but one problem now: how to get to the top?

"Whoa!" Lloyd said, staring up at such a sharp angle he was almost looking straight up, "That thing just like, goes up forever."

"Yeah!" Piped Genis, his dim-witted companion, "It like, doesn't stop."

"OH!" Gasped Colette, the blonde of the party, "Lookie, an elevator!"

"I get to push da button!" Quoted Sheena (A.KA. the erotically dressed).

"No," Insisted the shaggy haired man known as Kratos, "_I_ wana push da button!"

"I need to REASEARCH da button!" Screamed the nerdy one known to the rest of the party as The Professor.

Everyone, save Lloyd, started to sprint for 'da button', with an attention-deficit driven desire to be the first to perform such a tiny task. "My Button!" they shrieked.

"It's just a damn button." Lloyd stated, being the only member of the party who was usually mentally stable.

But despite his logical input, by this time everyone else was in a huge pile. Biting and kicking and screaming like a bunch of six-year-olds that knew how to use destructive magic skills (which they were casting right and left), and all were shrieking, "BUTTON!"

"Oh, for the love of the internet!" Lloyd sighed, pushing the elevator button.

Ding!

Everyone stopped fighting and stared motionlessly at Lloyd with anime sweat drops on their foreheads, and an expression on their faces that said, 'I can't believe he beat us to da button!' "Have you guys had your pil- I mean candies yet today?" Lloyd said, feeling like a teacher at a special education school.

"Oh BOY!" The others cried in delight, "Candy time!"

Lloyd turned his back on them and started wrestling with a medicine bottle labeled: Anti-A.D.H.D. "Damn these child-proof caps!" He muttered to himself.

POP!

Lloyd quickly threw a colorful, kangaroo shaped 'candy' to everyone else. "O.K. you guys," he unenthusiastically instructed them, " you know the drill, just eat your little…candies."

"Yay! A candy I can RESEARCH..." Raine squealed in delight until she noticed Lloyd was glaring at her with a look that would make a grown man cry, "...or eat!" she finished as she quickly gobbled down the 'candy'.

Genis however, was absolutely hysterical. "HA! HA! HA! HA!" he cackled in triumph, "I ate its head off!"

After a thirty second wait; Lloyd looked up from his watch (yea, they had those back then) and asked, "Sober now?"

"Yep." the others replied in more controlled tones.

"Al-righty then!" Lloyd grinned in a 'hail me; the glorious leader' manner, "Let's get this saving the world thing going." Everyone pulled out their various and respective weapons (the pointy and the blunt) and headed for the elevator.

Unbeknownst to them, the elevator was quite puny, and it could not by any means hold even two of them at a time. Essentially, this is how the disaster played out. First, Kratos (who was in the lead at this time) took a step and a half before banging into the adjacent wall of the elevator interior and bloodying his nose. "Ouchie!" The shaggy ape of a man yelled.

The Professor was following him and was taken completely by surprise when he stopped. She walked into him from behind, and and her face met his pointy, grease-hardened hair, "EEEEK!" the woman cried as her face was scratched and cut.

Sheena came next and met a fate much like Kratoses, only _she_ bloodied_ her_ nose after smashing it into a brick placed flatly in the pocket in the back of Raines robes (She used it for RESEARCH). "Gah!" The Mizuhoian grunted, "Oh great, now I'm bleeding!"

Genis happened to be right in behind Sheena when she tilted her head back to hinder the flow of blood, and unintentionally brought her pineapple-like, gel-hardened hair down on Genises face, slicing it to ribbons. "AAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHH!" screamed the grey-haired shorty.

Colette on the other hand, was still quite a distance away from the elevator when she tripped over her own feet and fell for the ground. "Oops." The Chosen recited on instinct (she had taught herself to deal with her clumsiness as opposed to trying to become more... agile) "Not again!"

While everyone else got hurt one way or another, Lloyd watched from a distance and was thinking to himself, "Considering the highly plausible chance of getting hurt, I don't think I'll adva-" when Colette fell on him and knocked him him to the ground. "OOF!" was the only word he could muster.

Noticing Lloyd beneath her, Colette sure enough got the wrong idea. "Wow Lloyd!" She bubbled in admiration, "How do you always know when to catch me?"

"Instincts." he said in a soft voice, "NOW GET OFF!" he said in a loud voice.

Each party member took this opportunity to distanced themselves from everyone else so they could nurture their own wounds with bandages that had lost their adhesive, toilet paper they had swiped from public restrooms, and alcohol that was made for drinking, not disinfecting. They did this for a few moments until Lloyd final remembered something that might prove to their advantage. "Hey!" the brunet exclaimed, "Why are we fixing ourselves the old-fashioned way? We've got _magic!"_

Yanking a lucky rabbits foot out of his bloody nostril, that he had apparently been using as a napkin, Kratos stammered, "Oh dyeah! Soldy, I fordot. HEABLING VIND!"

BLING!

"Oh, I do dislike that noise it makes!" Colette whined, her hands over her ears.

"You're not alone." Sheena commented, removing her earplugs.

"Your welcome!" Snapped a very unhappy Kratos.

At this moment, the heavens opened up, and from them sprung the image of a god-like enigma known to some as Bungiefan89, and to others as The Author. "Could we _please_ wrap this chapter up some time _today_!" his voice, that shook the snow-capped mountains, boomed, "I have some _business_ to attend to." He then gestured toward a sexy woman in the background, who looked as though she felt rather chilly.

"Hey!" Sheena protested, "Isn't that _my_ swimsuit she's wearing!"

"O.K." the being replied, "I'll make her STOP wearing it!" He then laughed triumphantly in a tone defined only as the 'behold I am the supreme ruler and controller of all' tone; and disappeared.

Wide eyed, Lloyd spoke, "Boy, The Author sure is… busy."

"What's wrong Sheena?" Colette (the innocently minded member of the party) asked with a puzzled look on her face, "He said he'd make her take it off."

Sheena shuddered and replied, "Exactly." "Is there some hidden meaning here that I'm just not understanding?" asked the very confused chosen.

"Yeah!" Lloyd answered, "It's called 'M-rated content'." "What's that supposed to mean?" The blonde wondered. but no one felt like they had to expose her mind to the harsh reality of the real world quite yet, so they kept their lips sealed.

FIN!

Well, that's about it for the revival of the first chapter! Unfortunately, this means that you'll have to wait a bit longer for the next chapter than usual. Let it be known that I take back what I said about uber flare being a lier in chapter 2, and I beg for uber flares forgiveness. Chapter 3 up soon! R&R :-)


	2. Who's first?

Welcome Back! I finally got back to my keyboard, and now here I am, typing up my next chapter in this bizarre fanfic which I have dubbed "Can I Push Your Button?". There will be some changes in this chapter; the most predominant of which will be that this story will no longer be written in 'script format'. This change is a result of two things: the first being that it is an independent decision of my own free will. And the other being either:

a) Script format is indeed against the rules of Fanfiction.

b) Uber Flare is a liar who likes to make things difficult for people (like me) who are too lazy to read all of the rules of this website.

Also I will perhaps reformat (not delete) chapter 1 in the future, if I get the chance. Also, I find it rather difficult to believe that only 3 people gave me reviews: If you read this, then tell me what you think (That's what Read & Review means). In this manner, I can know if the writing I'm doing is acceptable or not. (Yes, this means that you can flame me if you think it is necessary).

This second chapter will probably be longer than the last one, but as of this point, I'm not really sure how long it will be.

WARNING: this chapter contains a lot of Genis bashing! If you are a big fan of Genis, then I suggest that you find yourself a new favorite character!

I do not own Tales of Symphonia, any of its respective characters, the Tower of Salvation, Spongebob Squarepants MAD magazine, The Stupids, Pac-man, Board of the Rings, South Park, or the Beatles.

ONWARD!

Lloyd was looking the elevator up and down, trying to figure out why it had been built this way. It looked as though it had been rather plain at one time or another, but sense it didn't have so much as a "do not cross" ribbon, the mobile room had been exposed to the graffiti of both the dirty minded and uneducated citizens of Sylvarant.

Both inartistic and dim-witted messages written in cheep spray-paint overlapped one another, and all were smeared by both the rain and the urine of dumber-than-most ogres. Some of the messages wrote "4 A GOOD TIME CALL PRONYMA AT-" the phone number was covered up with "ALL HAIL PAC-MAN!". Other messages included "CALL ME NOSEFINGER", "N.A.M.B.L.A. FOREVER", "I AM THE WALRUS", "UP WITH BUBBLES DOWN WITH AIR", "THE POLICE HAVE KIDNAPPED MY CHILDREN!", "WHAT, ME WORRY?", "ARE YOU NOW, OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN...", "SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT MILK IS BAD FOR YOU!", "COO-COO-KA-CHOO!", "ZELOS WAS HERE", and many other things that would earn an M-rating for this story. But that's not important right now! The point is that Lloyd found this to be a very small elevator, which could not hold two or more of any of their party at a time. Everyone would have to go up individually!

"Alright everyone!" He said, tuning around to view the disorganized group that he had been forced to travel with for almost a year now, "It appears that we can only fit one person into the elevator at a time. And sense we have no idea as to what could possibly be waiting for us on the top floor; we have to assume the worst. Any volunteers?" As you might have expected, no one did so much as make eye contact with him. "O.K., does anyone have any ideas on how we could rule someone out to go first?"

Suddenly Genis yelled in his high pitched, post-puberty voice, "How about we flip a coin?"

"There are six of us, numb-nuts!" Sheena yelled, amazed at his stupidity.

"Exactly!" Genis countered, "A coin has six si...! Oh yea, that's right."

"Hey! Does anyone have some dice?" Kratos yelled, a rare moment of intelligence for him.

"I have some trick dice!" Colette exclaimed, pulling a red number cube from her pocket.

"Close enough." Lloyd shrugged, "Call it! I pick four."

"Um, One!" Picked Kratos.

"Three!" Colette chose.

"Er, five!" The Professor yelled.

"Six!" Sheena declared.

"Eight!" Genis called.

"GENIS!" everyone yelled.

"Uhhh... I mean two!" Cried the boy who was still having trouble counting.

"Whoever's number gets called, they go up first!" Said Lloyd, nodding to Colette to chuck her communist-colored cube. Everyone held their breath (except for Genis, who picked his nose, uninterested in the results) as they waited for the cube to come to a stop. It soon bounced in such a way that it began to spin on one of its corners. It continued spinning like this until it finally came to a halt: balancing perfectly on its point!

"What the HELL?" Lloyd yelled, not believing what was in front of him. Outraged, he blew on it to knock it off its balance, but the number cube only wobbled on its point a bit.

"Whoa! I've _got_ to RESEARCH this!" Raine exclaimed; fascinated by this phenomenon that was defying the laws of physics in front of her.

"Colette, what kind of trick dice is that!" Sheena implied.

"Oh yea!" Colette replied, "I forgot, that thing is broke!" At this, everyone got a huge anime sweat drop (except for Raine, who hadn't herd Colette, and was too busy doing RESEARCH on the broken trick dice, still balanced on its corner).

"Forget it!" Lloyd boomed, "_I'll_ just decide who's the most expendable among us, and we'll send them up this damned 'elevator of the unknown'!"

"WHY YOU?" the others protested.

"Because I'm the only one of us that _doesn't _have A.D.H.D., I'm the only good choice in battles as a playable character, and I'm also the _main_ character!"

"O.K." mumbled the others, knowing that any effort to argue would be in vain.

"These traits also make me the least expendable of us." Lloyd continued in a dictating tone. "Now the second least expendable of us defiantly would be Sheena..."

"I knew he liked me!" Sheena thought to herself as she felt the balloon that was the symbolic representation of her ego swell to incredible size.

"...because she's our sex symbol!" Lloyd stated; unaware that he had just taken a flaming hot pin to Sheena's 'ego balloon', and popped it to tiny bits. "Third least expendable," he continued, "is Colette: Because according to this thing..." He whipped out 700 sheets of paper connected by one enormous staple. The top sheet had 'Tales of Symphonia Script' written on it in black, size 12 font lettering, "...we're love interest; and I guess that counts for something." Everybody gasped in complete shock. Lloyd and Colette were _love interests_ of one another? This was the biggest surprise they had got throughout their entire journey! From the start of this quest, there had never been ANYTHING that would even _remotely _lead _anyone _to even _assume_ that Colette and Lloyd had a thing for each other! Oh, well!

"Next least expendable..." He continued a bit taken aback at the fact that everyone else (with the exception of Colette) was surprised at the existence of his and Colette's relationship. ("After all," he pondered to himself, "if the writers of game hinted in on our relationship any more, Colette and I would probably be connected at the waist at all times!") "...is Kratos, whose fighting skills are equal to those of Genis's, as are their personal hygiene habits. But the tie-breaker rests in that unlike Genis, Kratos is _not _a complete and utterly hopeless nitwit."

At this Genis triumphantly exclaimed to Kratos, "HA, HA! I'm dumber than you!" Nobody considered him worthy of being noticed at that moment.

Lloyd continued his speech, "That places Kratos as our fourth least expendable, and Genis as our fifth least expendable. This leaves us with..." Everybody's head turned toward Raine; who was still on the ground RESAERCHING Colette's broken trick dice that even now remained perfectly balanced on its corner.

Raine soon became aware of two things. First, she noticed that the chatter that had been going on in the background had suddenly ceased. And when she turned her head in the direction of the others, she became aware of a second thing: everyone was staring at her, and they all had the same grim, merciless expression on their faces. "Um... Hi! I didn't do anything wrong, did I?"

Lloyd took this moment to finish his sentence from two paragraphs back, "...Rane; the one among us with almost no capability of attacking the enemy and retaining not much of any ability other than _a_ healing technique, some supporting magic skills that offer scrawny amounts of additional power, and a love of RESEARCH. These qualities make you our most expendable party member, and the one whom will have the privilege of being the first to ride the elevator to the top. Let's get 'er!"

Raine had not been listening to what Lloyd had been talking about earlier, but the end of his speech (especially the last three words of it) left her frightened beyond words. And though she tried to make a run for it; by the time that she got up off of the ground; Sheena was holding her left leg, Colette her right, Kratos was at her right arm, and Genis was at holding her left arm (in his mouth like a dog). Raine was not very pleased at being all horizontal and getting carried around two feet above the ground. "But this isn't fair!" She protested, "You can't just decide to send me into the unknown all alone! What about the dice method of choosing who should go?"

Lloyd, who was twirling around Rane's rotting oak staff, snapped his fingers and said, "Oh that reminds me. Hey Colette: Catch!" He swatted the corner-standing, broken trick dice of Colette's back to her with the Professor's staff; golf-style. Colette reached for it with one hand (her other was occupied holding Raine's leg) but fumbled it and it fell to the ground.

"Hey everyone!" Colette hollered, "It didn't land on its corner!"

Desperate, Professor Sage pleaded, "What number is it?"

Colette looked closer, "Five." She said.

"YOU PICKED FIVE!" Everyone yelled, pointing at Raine.

By this time, the group had reached the elevator and heaved the Professor into it. Lloyd threw her staff in after her as Sheena reached into the elevator looking for the control panel. She soon found it, and her eyes locked on the key with the infinity sign next to it. It was in this moment that the poor Professor, all battered and bruised from being thrown into such a small space, looked up to see Sheena with a rather OOC evil glint in her eye as the Mitsohoian uttered five peculiar words, "Can I Push Your Button?"

DING!

FIN!

WOW! That was a long chapter. I hope I didn't get too rough with Raine there at the end, that's just the way it came out. Please write a review for me, I don't care if it's praise or flame, just submit a review please. They keep me going.

Like last time, I won't be able to finish another chapter for another two weeks. See you then!


	3. Highs and Lows

Welcome to Chapter 3 of "Can I Push Your Button". You may not now it, and I may not be able to prove it, but I started this chapter about 10 hours after I posted my revised version of Chapter 1, so please try to appreciate my hard work. I'm not sure how long this particular chapter will be; so don't be surprised if you can't scroll down very far on this page. This chapter will take off right after where I left off in Chapter 2, with Raine riding up to the top of the Tower of Salvation in the Elevator of Salvation (as I will be calling occasionally it from now on). Then, this chapter will explain what Lloyd and the others did while waiting for the elevator to come back down. I think the rest of the story will be told in this particular format, and I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF IT IN YOUR REVIEWS, so R&R!

I don't own Tales of Symphonia, its respective characters, or the Tower of Salvation.

ONWARD!

As the Professor watched the doors close in front of her, she thought to herself, "Uh-oh, I forgot: I'm afraid of heights!" Her mind did not exactly dwell on this subject for long, as she noticed the interior was slightly abnormal, and she squealed in delight, "Yippee! Stuff I can RESEARCH!" She proceeded to run about studying the graffiti on the walls, measuring all the detentions of the interior: she hadn't had so much fun in such a small space sense her time in The Womb.

Now Raine can go on for hours when it comes to RESEARCH, and while in 'RESEARCH mode', her stomach shrinks so she doesn't go hungry, she forgets how to sleep, and breathing becomes optional. Her internal clock also stops keeping track of time; and before she knew it, she was at the top floor.

DING!

Raine was quickly snapped out of her trance as she recalled why she was where she was. "Oh! Now I recall why I am where I am!" the half-elf piped stupidly, "I'm here because we didn't know what was on the top floor, and sense we figured it might be something really bad; we figured I was the most expendable member of the group." She spoke the last part in a more realizing tone. "Which means I'm... first... to... meet... the... danger...!" She finished as she watched in absolute horror as the door of the elevator that she had measured so many times opened to revel whatever foul thing might lie beyond. The Professor closed her eyes, dropped her stick/staff, flung her hands out in front of her face, got on her knees, and screamed in a merciful voice, "PLEASE DON'T EAT ME! I PROMISS I TASTE BAD; I HAVEN'T BATHED IN WEEKS!" She then remained silent, anticipating a massive, jagged claw to scratch her out from the elevator that had brought her here, then be thrown down out in the open where her bloody-and-bruised-beyond-all-repair body would be soon be bore down upon by the mouth of some giant demonic creature with chain-saws for teeth.

But none of that ever came, and Raine finally decided to take a peek at what was waiting for her. She saw nothing; just a big, circular, open space with runes everywhere, and minimal safety railings. "Whoopee!" cried the nerd in delight, "More stuff I can RESEARCH!" And with that, she gathered up all the piles of paper (that she had somehow materialized on the elevator ride) which contained all her notes on the Elevator of Salvation. She didn't even bother with her rotted, maggot-infested staff, and left it behind. The door of the elevator closed, leaving Rane (now once again in RESEARCH mode) on the infinityith floor, and began the long decent to the ground that was so many uncountable miles below.

Meanwhile, back on the ground...

Sheena quickly retracted her head from the elevator before it closed on her (nobody had yet thought of making a safety-device for elevators to be something of grave concern).

"So how long do you reckon it'll take for her to get to the top of this pillar thingy?" Kratos asked to no one in particular, as he dusted off his hands in a 'that's that' manner.

"Yeah." Colette added, actually talking to someone (Sheena in this case) "Which button did you press any how?"

"I don't know," The former assassin-would-be stated, "I just went for the one with the sideways eight on it."

Everyone got such a huge anime sweat-drop after hearing this that they all lost their balance and fell over. Lloyd was the first to get to his feet as he charged at Sheena and pinned her up against a rather conveniently placed tree. "You mean to say," He began, enraged at her stupidity, "that you sent her to the infinityth floor! Do you realize what you've done!"

"No!" The Mizuhoian replied as best she could with cold sticky sap from the tree collecting on the back of her neck.

"Alright!" Lloyd continued as he allowed her the privilege of once again being able to stand on her feet, "You've just sent her to the infinityth floor; how long do you think it's going to take for her to get to that floor?"

"Why the concern for my sister all of the sudden Lloyd?" Genis inquired as he threw rocks at a nearby hornets nest.

"I'm not talking about her," Lloyd snapped, "I'm talking about us!"

"So why the concern for us all of the sudden Lloyd?" The gray haired fool asked as one of his rocks hit its mark and he was chased around by a large cloud of the thoroughly enraged flying insects. The others ignored his question and thought fondly on the fact that it would be a while before Genis would interrupt them.

"What I'm saying Sheena, is we now have about three questions that we don't know the answers to. One; how long does it take for that elevator to reach the infinityth floor? Two; how long is it going to take the Elevator of Salvation to not only reach the top, but then come back down here? And three; what is infinity multiplied by 2? Because that is how many floors that thing has to go past before we get to send someone else up." He finished in quite a 'behold, I am the bringer of reason' manner.

"Well if we've got twice as much as infinity time on our hands," Kratos suddenly burst out, "we might have enough time to play through an entire game of Monopoly!" He then pulled out an entire Monopoly box from inside the depths of his hair.

"Wow!" awed the rather amazed Chosen, "What else do you have in there?" Kratos responded to the question by violently shaking his head, causing thousands of pieces of gald to fly in every direction.

"Oh," Sheena said, "so that's where all of our gald goes!"

"O.K." Lloyd spoke, "I agree Kratoses motion. I get to be the hat!"

"I wana be the dog!" Sheena proclaimed.

"Hey, that's what I want to be!" Collette protested.

"You were the dog last time."

"But I love dogs, and I need to show it!"

"You're always the dog!"

"So what!"

"So it's time you let someone else play as it!"

"Do you want your teeth inside your mouth, or outside of it?" (Yep, Colette said that)

"Oh, you wana go?"

"You wana kicken' chicken?"

"I'M GONA KICK YO' ASS!"

The two then ran full speed at one another and immediately started bitch-slapping. This continued for a few hours with little desire to stop on either girl's part, until Lloyd finally decided to intervene by telling them the truth. "We don't have the dog piece any more!" He told them, "We lost it, remember?"

The two girls had now frozen in their little brawl with Colette on top of Sheena, with the ninja's hand in the chosen's mouth, and using her other arm to push her face into the ground. While Sheena was attempting to tear out the blonde's (would soon have been baldy) hair with one arm, and about to kick Colette in the stomach from behind. "What happened to it?" Sheena asked as her mouth was not trying to bite on something.

"Genis ate it." Kratos stated as he pointed over his shoulder to the dim-witted midget (who was still screaming his head off as he continued to run from the swarm of hornets which were so very intent on making him look like Swiss-cheese). "So what piece will you be? 'Cause I'm picking the boat."

"Thimble."

"Cannon."

They played together as best they could considering that the dog piece wasn't the only part of the game that was missing. Some of the houses and hotels had been dropped into the ocean, and a few of the bills, 'Chance' cards, and 'Community Chest' cards had been set aflame to be use as kindling when they were in Falanor. Genis had also neatly bitten off the 'GO' corner of the board when they had run a bit low on rations in Teret Desert; so they were forced to play without the occasional collection of $200.

Now for the sake of time, the internet, Bungiefan89s readers, and Bungiefan89s desire to post this chapter as soon as possible, let's just say that Lloyd did pretty poorly at playing due to his short attention span in math class. And Genis, who had been fleeing the flying bugs this whole time, ran into the Elevator of Salvation just as the door opened. He quickly pushed the button with the sideways eight on it before knocking himself unconscious from banging his head against the wall. The hornets however, flew into the Elevator of Salvation just as the door closed. This caused them to act very much like the flying keys in the first Harry Potter movie; with the exception that these were hornets, not keys. They also all went "splat" on impact, leaving a thick layer of insectoid guts on the surface of the door.

"Hey." Lloyd said, "Geins just jumped in the elevator."

"You're not going to get your way out of this one by distracting us mister 'Pity me because I only paid attention in P.E. and art'." Chastised a now quite rich Sheena, "You just landed on my Boardwalk, and you owe me money! Pay up!"

FIN!

That's all for Chapter 3! By the way, would someone mind helping me out with my grammar? As I understand, when a new person starts talking, it's mandatory that you start a new paragraph. I know I didn't follow this thinking when I wrote Chapter 1, but I would appreciate if someone could help me out by way of reviews. Thank you!

Also, I apologize that this chapter took longer than the others. I'll try to spend more time on Chapter 4. See ya then!


	4. This Damn Game

SPOILER WARNING:

I will be depicting the end of the game a bit to try to prove to some people that I have in fact beaten this game. If you haven't finished the game yet, I suggest you start reading at "ONWARD!" You have been warned.

Before you read the 4th chapter of this growing-in-popularity fanfic, I would like to address some issues, and reviewers. First off, many people have been telling me about my misspellings of 'Flanoir', and mainly 'Raine'. I will be using the correct spelling from now on (because you people are so damn picky! (Just kidding)), and sense I strangely enjoy editing, I may as well go through my other chapters and correct these and other little errors of spelling and grammar. I'll just post the semi-revised chapters along with this one.

Now about my reviewers; Ryu Warrior should know that I have indeed finished Tales of Symphonia _as I said in the first chapter. _I can prove it: When Lloyd and company first 'visit' Welgaia, the city of angles, and find themselves imprisoned, Regal blasts through the bars Dragon-ball Z-style, and then Lloyd frees the others. Also, in the Tower of Salvation ruins, after the whole party has sacrificed their lives so Lloyd can get closer to the would-be-final-decisive-battle, he runs over a bridge that falls apart behind him as he also sprints past the arrows that are being shot at him from the sides. Once he crosses it, a small panel in the wall in front of him opens up and releases an arrow right at him, and he takes it right in the chest (was that an intense scene or what?). He eventually finds that the Snow Hare that he received from Colette in Flanoir, (or it could be Kratos' Locket or Zelos' Cruxis Crystal) took the arrow and saved his life. And to give you a brief ending of the game: After defeating two final bosses with a combined total H.P. of 115,000, you are treated to: a display of Lloyds' angelic, eagle-like wings, some awesome 'purely drawn anime' cut-scenes, which includes a disappointingly too-quick-for-the-eye view of all the Summon Spirits, Martel (who talks), and the Tree of Mana. You also get to listen to some of the most phenomenal music _I've_ ever heard during the very long credits. I have beaten the game I rest my case.

Also, in response to Streek-has-returned471s idea of Genis being stuck in the Elevator of Salvation with all of the hornets, let me explain myself. That is a very good idea, and the exact same thought crossed my mind when I wrote that part; but I thought it would be impossible for anyone (even in a story like this) to be stuck in that elevator for 24 hours non-stop with a thousand angry hornets. So in the end I (the supreme editor of this story) decided to just slay them all, and have Genis get knocked unconscious. Which is where we start this chapter off. So, without further ado... I do not own Tales of Symphonia, its respective characters, the Tower of Salvation, or _Monopoly_.

ONWARD!

Genis woke with his head in a puddle of his own drool, sweat, and boogers (he was one of those let-it-all-out sleepers). He had been sleeping like this quite happily for a good 23 hours, 56 minutes, and 4 seconds (a technically correct 'day' if you will, but the elevator takes 24 hours.) when the level of organic material raised up to his face. He woke up instantly once it reached his face and he couldn't breathe anymore. "GASP!" He gasped, "Oh, NO! I can't believe did that _again_! I... wait a minute." By this point he was on his feet (and up to his ankles in the pool of bodily fluids) but he bent down, dipped his finger into the stuff, and put the finger into his mouth. After tasting it for a moment or two, he leapt with joy and hollered, "Whoopee! I didn't wet myself again!" The foolish half-elf then proceeded to remove all of his cloths, and take a bath in the mucky substance. He played like this until the elevator door opened.

All the bodily fluids poured out of the elevator, and left a quite naked, quite shocked Genis sitting inside. Raine looked up from the page of notes she was working on at the entrance of the elevator. Well, she actually looked down because she was sitting high atop a 20 foot high mountain of pencils that had all been sharpened down to the erasers. Right next to her elbow was the tip of another mountain, only this one consisted of papers filled front and back with notes. (Note to nerds: ignore the fact that at an altitude of infinity there would be lots of wind and no air to breath this high up (Also ignore my assumption that there could be wind with no air.).) Being used to the things her brother did, Raine said cooly, "I'm not even going to ask. PURIFY!"

BLING!

Genis looked himself over; his clothes were back on, he was completely clean, and his mess was nowhere to be found. "Wow! How did ya _do_ that!" stammered the little weirdo.

"You were such a disgusting mess," The RESEARCHer explained, "that as the laws of nature go, you were considered to have the condition of 'Deadly Poisoned'."

"I don't understand!" Genis complained.

"I'm sorry you were born with a small brain; but there's nothing I can really do about tha-"

"No!" Genis said cutting her off, "I mean I don't understand where you got all those pencils from! And how do you sharpen them?"

"Oh that." The Professor said. The pencil that she had been using had by this time run down to the point where it was unusable. She dropped it onto the pile of others like it, reached into her hair, and drew out a new pencil which she immediately shoved into her ear. There was a noise of an electric pencil sharpener that sounded as though it was very low on battery power. She then resumed writing, and spoke, "And the pencil shavings provide me with all the food I need!" She explained happily. "You'd be surprised as to all the stuff you can keep in your hair. You may not know it, but Kratos's hair holds all of our-"

"I'm thirsty!" He complained, apparently uninterested in what she had to say about 'hair containment' (he had after all just finished sweating, drooling, and sub-consciously blowing his nose for a long time, and he's only got so much fluid in him).

"Sorry, no water up here, but if you want a bite," She offered him the pencil, "then you're welcome to it."

"So what else is up here aside from you and your stuff." He inquired, forgetting he was almost dehydrated and that free 'food' was being offered to him.

"Well," The Professor started, hopping off her high perch at the same time, "there _is _something over here that I couldn't figure out." Genis got on all fours, got out of the elevator, and followed her, spitting over the edge of the tower in the process. The Elevator of Salvation once again started to descend to the ground.

Meanwhile, back on the ground...

The others all had long beards that went down to their feet, and were still playing their little game of _Monopoly. _Lloyd was down to 50 cents, owned no properties, and his little thimble had been sitting on _Jail_ for so long, that a tiny spider had started to spin a little web on it. So, he figured this was a considerably good time to start preaching another one of his 'this sucks so hard' speeches.

"This sucks so HARD!" He started off, getting to his feet, "I'm sick and tired of playing this damn game! What's the point of playing this damn game if we've lost half of the pieces! I'm sick and tired of always landing on a property and having to give up the precious few pennies that I've worked so hard to get! What's the point of playing this damn game if Sheena's rich to the extent that she even owns the _Free Parking_ space! I'm sick and tired of playing and not being allowed to be the banker! What's the point of playing this damn game if I don't even get to _touch_ the money! I'm sick and tired of not collecting $200! What's the point of playing this damn game if Genis ate the corner of the board! And most of all;" He then tore off his beard, "I'm sick and tired of playing _Monopoly_ and _Dress-Up_ at the SAME DAMN TIME!"

"So are you going to roll and try to get doubles and get out of jail or not?" Kratos asked on cue; this was the eighteenth that Lloyd had gone through this little speech of his.

"O.K." Lloyd said dully as he tossed the single trick dice of Colette's that now only landed on 5. "Damn." Lloyd said, still baffled as to how he hadn't rolled doubles after 18 tries.

This process would have continued for who-knows-how-long but it was not to be. For at that very moment, the ball of saliva that Genis had hacked up, was now speeding toward the ground at about warp five, and accelerating. It hit ground-zero right smack in the middle of the _Monopoly_ board and brought the infinity times 2 force down with it. A crater the size of Palmacosta was instantly created the, _Monopoly_ board and all of it's respective pieces were reduced to a tiny yet neat little pile of atoms, everyone was knocked unconscious, and it started to rain.

When they came to, Lloyd began acting very much like Cartmen at the end very of _South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut_, and started dropping the F-bomb, the N-bomb, the (I can't say)-bomb, and all the other foul words you can and cannot think of. Realizing the increasing possibility of getting hurt while Lloyd was like this, Kratos ran for the Elevator of Salvation, and immediately started pushing the only button on the inside.

"Oh, yea! I almost for-(F-bomb)ing-got; while you're having a shit(F-bomb)ing time up there," He then threw a rather sharp and pointed pair of scissors at Kratos who barely dodged it, "give shit-headed-self a (F-bomb)ing hair cut, BITCH!"

The door closed and began to carry a very scarred Kratos up to the heavens.

"Great job." Sheena commented in a subtly sarcastic tone, "You chased him off."

"Yeah, I know." Lloyd said, returned to his normal self, Now we can have _sex_!"

It was to be many days before he regained consciousness.

FIN!

Well, that's all for the fourth chapter in this story, and by my reconings, there should be about 3 left, so I suppose this means the half-way point is already past us.

Sorry about so much of the foul language all of the sudden at the end there, I was just thinking to myself how this story hadn't lived up to it's rating so far. So I threw in a couple cuss words in there for good measure. After all, I figure that people are more likely to read something that is rated 'T' as opposed to something that is rated 'K+' (at least that's the way things are for me), so I guess this way I get more readers. You may consider me to be a bit of a swindler at this point, but aren't you glad you've been reading this?

Chapter five up soon. R&R!


	5. Sheena, what is sex?

I would like to address the fact that I haven't said a few things of late that need to be said. First, I would like to thank every one of the individuals (including Silvara, who hasn't read my story yet) who have given me reviews, even though it was such a long wait for this chapter. Was it not for the 20 reviews (probably more than that by the time you read this) that I have gotten so far, I would not have this feeling in the back of my mind that tells me, "To stop writing is to let down the hopes and expectations of my beloved fans; who, despite the fact that I have never met any of them in person, would be left in a state of dismay at my decision to quit." O.K. that was a bit dramatic even for someone like me; I guess I get a bit carried away sometimes. So essentially, what I'm trying to say is: (Gives fans big chibichi hug with tears in eyes) "You like me! You _really, really _LIKE ME!"

Now if you are interested in my life and the reason behind why this chapter took so long then you should read this next paragraph. If not, then slap yourself and read it anyway!

It recently occurred to me that Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones was going to come out on the 23rd of this month! At first, I was filled with joy, but then I realized something: I still had yet to get the remaining 27 of Support Conversations on the first (American version of) Fire Emblem. Now this is for me, the highlight of my favorite game of all time and during the 1 1/3 years that I have owned the game; I have perfected the 'art' of getting Support Conversations. I knew that once I bough the next game, the cartridge would be practically welded to the slot in my Game Boy Advanced SP (which would be crazy-glued to my hands), so I thought to myself, "23 days, 149 remaining Support Conversations, and I'm an expert. Yep, I can do that! We'll consider it another goal. On your mark, get set, GO!" And I basically spent all of my free time playing one of the few games that I will never get tired of for a number of days. Then I remembered '_Can I Push Your Button?_' and thought of how selfish I was being. So here I am, redeeming my self, and typing up this chapter as quick as I can. But don't worry; just because I'm hurrying my writing of this chapter, doesn't mean that it'll be of any lesser quality than the others.

GUEST STAR APPERANCE!

Because plagiarism is a really bad thing; I'd have to say, "I do not own Tales of Symphonia, its respective characters, the Tower of Salvation, or any other characters of Nintendo."

ONWARD!

Kratos soon found himself in the same position as Genis and The Professor had been at one time, with one exception; he was not unconscious or in a dazed state of RESEARCH mode. He stared down at the 'scissors' thad Lloyd had thrown to him which on closer inspection, turned out to be a pair of rather large, rusty hedge-clippers. Of course he could scarcely make out so much as the silhouette of the garden tool due to all the hair that was constantly distorting his vision. "Well," he thought to himself, picking up the pointy object, "may as well get this over with". He raised the 'scissors' to himself made one snip, and howled in pain. He had removed his ear.

Now Kratos had never taken a single barber class in his life, and he wasn't the most nimbly fingered person in the world. His unclean hair was about as stiff as the cartilage on his face -- which was also covered in callus from tripping over many 'unseen' objects -- it made understandable that he was now missing both of his hearing displays (the other had been bitten off by Genis when he had accidentally stepped on the short half-elf while he was napping). He did however find that the absence of his remaining ear would make his job considerably easier. The absence of a mirror however, did not. He worked hard at it though and after a many hours of work; the man with uncovered armpits -- now ankle deep in the stuff that had once covered his head -- threw down the garden utensil, and felt proud to be bald.

"Hey," he said to himself, "now that I can actually see..." he pulled out a Rubik's Cube from his pocket that was so messed up that no two squares of the same color were touching. "I bet I could figure this colorful piece of shit now!" he exclaimed as he began twisting it this way and that. Thrilled with the renewed gift of eyesight, and now living absorbed in the little do-hickey that had been invented by some mad scientist obsessed with the art of wasting time, Kratos was happily entertained for the remaining time that he had on the elevator.

With the exception of the last 10 seconds of the ride where his mood instantaneously changed from 'happy hour(s)' to 'I am so (F-bomb)ing frustrated with this piece of shit'. He then proceeded to throw the little six-sided-stupid-box at the wall in his anger. It was at this precise moment that the door of the elevator opened up and the cube flew threw it at mach 3, hitting the Professor right in the face. This caused her body to be removed from the location that she had been previously occupying, and leave all of her clothing behind in the process.

As she stood up in a woozy daze, Kratos made use of his newfound eyes (which were very wide indeed) and sputtered, "Wow. I never noticed... (GULP) _those_ before!"

Raine looked down at his comment to notice that her considerably flat breasts were very much exposed. Unable to cast any offensive magic, she drew some pencils from her hair and started throwing them at him ninja-style in her hurried advance on him. "PERVERT!" She screamed her face red with not embarrassment but pure hate and fury.

"WOW, SIS!" The now nude nerd's brother exclaimed, "I didn't know you were a _boy_!" He was both surprised at his sibling's body and entertained by the chase-scene that was rapidly unfolding in front of him.

"I'M A _GIRL_ YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" The apparent woman shouted, "I'M GONA (F-bomb)ING KILL YOU!"

Meanwhile down on the ground...

"I can't believe how much of a pig he turned out to be!" Sheena commentated on their current situation. After Lloyd had told them of his intentions involving sex, Sheena had whipped out a lesson from her years of training as a Mitzuhoian ninja, and knocked him out buffet style. "I mean 'Now we can have sex!' honestly!"

"Sheena, what is sex?" Colette inquired her friend as she stood rather mesmerized over Lloyd's body. (He did have a snot bubble the size of his head protruding from both of his nostrils after all.)

"You're better off not knowing." She replied. "Let's just say that he was going to do some 'M-rated' stuff with us."

After being asleep for a day or so, Lloyd finally woke up to find Colette's face hovering over him. Noticing he was awake again, and filled with curiosity, Colette bubbled, "Oh, GOODY! You're awake! By the way, would you please have sex with me?" Lloyd was about to do something very M-rated (and lemony) to Colette when Sheena chucked an entire 52-card deck at his head, and his consciousness left him once again. "Oh, dingle berries!" The clean minded one 'cursed', "Now I'll never know what sex is!"

"Did somebody say '_SEX_'?" Called a gay (silly gay, not sexually gay, you perverted monkey) voice echoing from beyond the hills. A gaily (now this is the sexual gay, but that doesn't change the fact that you're a perverted monkey) clad blue-eyed figure of a man appeared on top of one of the hills in the distance, his bright red hair flowing in the breeze of the fan he had set up behind himself. "I have traveled many leagues to answer the call of a dear maiden in emotional distress. And I have finally arrived at the presence of yonder fair damsel to offer what ever assistance I... SHEENA!" He cried in delight, "At last I have found you once more, my sweetest, and sexiest of honeys!" With that he ran towards her with open arms.

"ZELOS! My knight in shining armor has returned to me!" Sheena squealed in a rather 'wooed-school-girl' sort of way. "I am suddenly very HORNY!" She cried as she ran towards him in the same manner he did to her.

"So you have finally come to see the truth about me!" He sighed in a triumphant tone.

When they met on the fields, and he was about to embrace her, she kicked him square in the balls. As he fell to his knees howling in pain, she declared, "That's so you can't use them!" She then set his hair on fire with her Pyre-Seal magic and yelled, "That's so you'll stop it with this stupid 'wind-effect' thing!" She finally grabbed him by the shoulders, stood him up, turned him around, and booted him into the stratosphere (as he yelled, "LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAAAAAIN!"). "And that's so I won't have to deal with you for another year! I _hate_ guest appearances." She finished, walking back to a dumbstruck Colette.

"Holy shabibbles (pronounced: shabibbles)! What was that all about?" Colette asked the ninja who was turning in to be more of an anti-male sort of person.

"Oh, that?" She replied casually pointing her thumb back over her shoulder to the now-bright point in the sky that Zelos had flown toward, "This kind of started a few years ago where I finally decided that I'd had enough of Zelos and his perverted ways. I mean he would drill a peep-hole in the wall of the bathroom, every time I took a shower, _while_ I was taking a shower! He would regularly replace my clothing for the next day with really erotic stuff that was always 3 sizes too small! And he would do that only after he had placed a hidden camera in the toilet or somewhere, and totally raided my bra drawer! And lot's of other stuff that's to discussing for your innocent little mind to comprehend. So I gave him a treatment much like the one you just witnessed, and I guess I knock him so far away that it takes him a year to cross the distance back to me."

"Well that's a... nice story, but what I meant was; what does 'horney' mean?" The curious Chosen asked.

"I'm not telling." The other woman replied.

DING!

"About time!" Sheena sighed, grabbing Lloyd by the leg and hammer-throwing his still unconscious body into the elevator. She then walked up and pushed the button that sent him up.

"Well in that case," Colette continued, asking another question, "I'm just wondering: where do babies come from?"

"WHY IS IT THAT EVERY QUESTION THE 'INOCENTLY MINDED ONE' ASKS HAS TO DO WITH M-RATED MATERIAL?" Was all that she could say.

Meanwhile, up in the stratosphere...

"In the name of our sexy goddess Martel, why doesn't she like me?" Zelos asked himself, rubbing his rear where Sheena had kicked him. He was still hurdling through the sky traveling at about 500 knots, and moving in a rather constant angle of 70 degrees. "I guess I'll just have to try again when I catch up to her next time." He shrugged.

"I guess that she just doesn't know the meaning of the word curiosity." Came a voice that Zelos reckoned was coming from about the same altitude as he was at. He was turning himself around when he crashed into a green armor clad man who had apparently been flying through the air in the same way that he was.

After Zelos got himself sorted out after such a surprising collision, he decided to make friends. He and the stranger were now both in free-fall, but they were so high up that they would have a good deal of time to get acquainted. "Hi there!" he spoke to the man, extending his hand for a handshake, "The name's Zelos, rich playboy, noble, and knight of Meltokio."

The man shook his hand casually replying, "Sain, Sub-Commander of the Knights of Calien. Are you by any chance gay? You appear to be dressed in pink."

"Absolutely not!" Zelos replied in a slightly offended manner, "This just goes good with my hair color."

"What hair? You appear to be quite bald." Sain noted, pointing to the top of Zeloses head.

Feeling the top of his burnt head Zelos replied, "Never mind that, it'll, grow back. But who are you to so suddenly insult me!"

"I feel I have the right to do as such, after all; you are practically me. My creators took my characteristics and put them into you." Sain quoted.

"Prove it. Tell me why you're here."

"Well I was viewing Lady Lyndis as she was bathing. I simply had to know if her unclothed body was as marvelous and flawless as I imagined. You can understand that can't you?"

"Absolutely." Zelos replied, "Do continue."

"Well it turned out that I was right, and so taken aback was I that I gasped in disbelief that such a figure could be mortal. She heard this and soon found my 'peep-hole' as she later called it. I told her the truth; that I was merely curious. I suppose that she mistook me for some sort of 'perverted mischief maker', and so she sent me to the catapult. She also mentioned something about this being 'the last straw'. But as much as I admire her for not just her body but her face as well, I cannot help but question her judgment."

"Some women are so misunderstanding. Namely the good-looking ones, which is quite a shame."

"Indeed. Well any way, I did get some pictures!" The brunet started pulling out some 11 1/2" by 8" sheets of colored pictures from beneath his armor.

"Halle-freaking-luiah, is she a piece of work!" Zelos cried in delight when he saw the glorious figure of a female that made Sheena look fat, "and you got to see her every day?"

"Yep! Too bad I won't be able to see her any more."

"Yea, too bad. Well, it looks like we've got quite a bit of free time on our hand's left, care to play 21 questions?"

"Sure! O. K. I've got one."

"Is it round?"

"Yes."

"Does it come in pairs?"

"Yes."

"Is it a glorious and highly treasured thing of happiness?"

"Yes."

"Is it a breast?"

"Correct!" Zelos complimented his friend, "Now I've got one."

"Is it round?"

"Yes."

FIN!

Hope you enjoyed the ending. I just thought that it would be funny to see what kind of conversation would come from two 'sophisticated' perverts in free-fall way high up in the atmosphere. I don't know how long this story will go on for, but it looks like the end may be near. I'll try to get chapter 6 out soon! R&R!


	6. Magic doors and evil armies

To get this chapter kicked off, I'll go back to the last one and explain a few things. Now by my calculations, 80 of you were surprised to find Sain of Fire Emblem in last the chapter as one of the people who made a GUEST APPEARANCE. I also imagine that 15 of you have never played Fire Emblem and didn't know who Sain was, 3 of you thought that this story should be in the cross-over category, and 2 of you were sucking on your toes; not reading the new chapter. So in reference to the 80 majority, I'll say that Sain was not really supposed to be too big of a part of the fic, and the initial reason for him being there was to see what kind of conversation would result from two 'sophisticated' perverts. Considering that Sain's one of the minor characters of Fire Emblem (that is, he's not one of the _main_ characters such as Eliwood, Hector, or Lyndis, who are on the cover of the strategy guides, game casing, etc.), and only makes a brief appearance in this fic, I don't think it would be necessary for me to relocate this story to a different category.

I'm also not going to relocate because it's a bit hard to find _me _on this website. What I mean by this is; If you go to the 'SEARCH' link from the home page and then type in 'bungiefan89', under a search for authors, you won't find me. I also don't appear under any of the 'DIRECTORY' links. Now I'm just a fool, so could someone please tell me why I am being... neglected in this sense? Thank you.

I'm currently writing this on the 15th of May and I don't know when you'll be reading this, but I have been very busy as of late. I already told you about the whole Fire Emblem task I set for myself, but I also have to begin some work on an 'author profile' for myself, I suppose I've got some letters I need to send and receive, and things to print out and read, as well as this chapter that I am currently working on. So in caveman terms, I'll say, "Me busy! Me take long time! (bangs club on other caveman's head)"

In conclusion...

...I do not own Tales of Symphonia, its respective characters, or the Tower of Salvation.

ONWARD!

Lloyd eventually woke up to find a bump on his head, a bump on his chin, and the remains of the bruise of a Vulcan Neck Pinch on the nape of his neck. "Weird dreams." He murmured, recalling a very OOC dream where Colette's face had been hovering above him; asking him to have sex with her. "I guess I would have preferred them to stay like that though." He added to himself, recalling how the dream of a horny Colette had quickly changed to a dream where a massive, jagged claw scratched him out from a small room much resembling the room he was in now, to be thrown out in the open where his bloody-and-bruised-beyond-all-repair body was soon bore down upon by the mouth of some giant demonic creature with chain-saws for teeth. That was when he woke up and was now thinking to himself, "Not even Raine would even think of that kind of crazy stuff.'

"Wait a minute!" he exclaimed, knowledge finally taking hold of his stubborn little mind. "Why am I here? Sheena Vulcan-pinched me, and threw me in! Why'd she do that? Because she must have been cranky after we all took that long nap! Why were we napping? We weren't! Then why were we sleeping? We weren't! Then why did we have our eyes closed? Because we were knocked unconscious! Why? Because a spit ball came hurdling down towards us at infinity times 2 speed and with infinity times 2 force! Well where the hell did _that_ come from!" He sat in the corner for a while with a _very_ upset and pouting look on his face. He had been on quite a roll as far as figuring things out goes.

After a long while of pondering, he finally exclaimed, "Wait a minute! Where does spit come from? People! And where do people come from? I don't kno- OH, YEAH! They come from their mothers! And where do mothers come from? Who cares? Not me! But why were there people way up in the sky? Maybe there were mothers in the sky!" He then looked around and suddenly realized, "(Gasp) We sent Genis and the Professor up there! Would Raine spit over the edge of the Tower of Salvation? Maybe; she can be a crazy old lady! Would Genis spit over the edge of the Tower of Salvation? He spits into the wind in his free time; Definitely! So which is more likely; 'maybe', or 'definitely'? 'Definitely'! So what does this all mean?" Lloyd was deep in though for a very long time.

Finally, a refrigerator sized stereotypical light-bulb appeared above his head as he cried, "Genis is the source of all my problems! Genis is the reason why I'm here in this elevator wondering why I'm in this elevator! That little chew-on-anything half-dog/elf! I'm going to chop him into teeny-tiny-eeny-weeny-yellow-polk-a-dot-bakini, bite-sized pieces!"

Now; Lloyd is a very, very, very, very, _very, _slow thinker; and it took him a considerable number of hours to come to this 'conclusion' of his. As such, the elevator soon reached the top floor, opened its door, and left him very delighted to find Genis, the (current) cause all his woes, pains, and miseries, just a few feet in front of him. "PREPARE TO DIE!" He screamed at his 'best friend' who was presently gnawing on a piece of tin foil (his favorite chew toy).

"Holly lemons!" Genis shrieked in terror.

Lloyd promptly began chasing the midget in what he would later refer to as a 'figure-eight' (for he had never learned to count, and from our perspective; it would probably be called a 'figure-five') brandishing about one of his rubber swords like he could actually cut something harder than melted butter. All the while he yelled with vengeance on every word he said, "I'm gonna get you, toy-maker!"

Raine and Kratos watched this spectacle unfold in front of them with little interest. "Tell me again; why did we bring the little doggish one along? All he does is bite, complain, spit, drool, and play with that stupid ping-pong-paddle of his." Kratos asked her.

"I'm not sure." She replied, "Though I think it had something to do with 'expendability'. By the way; where's your hair?"

Feeling his bald head, Kratos quickly sputtered a lie that he knew could never be a reality, "Oh, Sheena set my hair on fire."

"Oh, well, it doesn't really matter: I found something up here while I was doing REASEARCH." The nerd commented as she led him to a humongous gateway with a pair of double doors which were both labeled 'OUT'. A tinny note was attached to the front of the doors which read:

_This grand structure known as the Tower of Salvation was originally designed to be fifty feet tall. Though too late were we the elves who worked for many years on this structure and lost many fellow workers in its construction (all of whom perished inexplicably of testicular cancer) to find that the original blueprints had no measurements for any of the vertical dimensions. After filing many a complaint with the Union, suing the designers, getting drunk, and burning a few thousand witches; we have decided to make like birds in winter and head north where we have all been hired by a local mafia king known to us only as 'Santa Clause'._

_Sincerely,_

_Jar-Jar Binks_

_Psa.Ssa. Entersa atsa yoursa ownsa risksa! Failuresa tosa complysa willsa resultsa insa certiansa deathsa!_

"Who do you think Jar-Jar Binks is?" The nerd asked the baldy.

"Beats me. But judging by the pig-Latin at the bottom here; there should be something happy on the other side!" Kratos said too loudly. For these words traveled to the ears of Genis and Lloyd (Who had now taken their form of combat to a combination of biting and bitch-slapping). They both quickly scrambled to the gateway, tripping over one another 14 times in the process.

"Yay! We can go somewhere else!" Genis cried in delight, "I hate this circular place; there's no corners to pee in." No one paid him any attention.

"How do we open this thing? And what's written on it?" Complained Lloyd; who had never learned how to read.

"The note's just a bunch of pig-Latin, the doors have 'out' written on them, and I have no idea as to how this thing opens." The Professor explained to her ex-pupil (he had been expelled for throwing a paper airplane; which was later confiscated as a 'weapon').

"Oh, Shit-on-a-stick-on-fire! How are we supposed to open a door that we don't know how to open?" Kratos pouted, and sat on his lazy butt as if deep in thought (though he had actually fallen asleep). The others followed his example.

Meanwhile, down on the ground...

After Sheena had 'cooled down' from her rage at the dumb blonde whose company she was in, Colette asked perhaps the stupidest question she had asked so far on this pathetic excuse for an adventure: "Hey! If we've been out in the wilderness for so long, then why haven't we been attacked by monsters lately?"

These words seemed to be acknowledged by the laws of nature with a response of, "YOU ARE DUE!" From the trees to the south sprung forth hundreds of muddy kangaroos, each wearing plastic Storm Trooper masks, and wielding flaming bike-pumps. From the west; with the rising sun behind them, came 6 dozen vampires riding snowmobiles that they were all revving with hands that had sharpened fingernails 2 feet long. To the east there could be seen an army of plague-carrying giant fleas, each riding on the back of a 3-humped camel and brandishing about double-ended light sabers the color of vomit. From the north there came many wicked mercenaries including Godzilla, King Kong, Bigfoot, the entire Bernstein Bear family plus the dog, Eminem, KISS, Cat-woman, Cinderella, Harry Potter, Green Day, Darth Vader, the Energizer Bunny, Michael Jackson, Hal, Pikachu, Lil' Bow-wow, Lil' Romeo, the Spy Kids, Pac-Man, Jump-Man, Bird-Man, the Terminator, Gannondorf, Shelob, Satin, Yu-gi-oh, and Barney the Dinosaur. As if this wasn't enough, the horizons were instantly covered with helicopters; each bearing goblins that were high on glue, and a logo that read: 'Channel 666 traffic news'.

Thinking quickly, Sheena summoned a 100-storie high Ace-of-spades, that belly- flopped, and crushed half of the opposition (including Harry Potter who had once been known as 'the boy who lived'). "SHEENA! HOW _COULD_ YOU! YOU KNOW THAT KILLING IS _WRONG_!" The chosen cried in dismay. Never before had she seen such carnage (actually she had, but she was cursed with a short-term memory).

"Oh, help me fight for once in your life!" The ninja replied as she paper-cut a flea to death.

"O.K." Colette muttered as she started throwing her plastic Frisbees at a few monkeys.

The 2 girls continued fighting for a while until Sheena realized something that was so obvious she practically fell over in disbelief of how stupid she had been. "Colette! You've got _wings_! We don't have to wait for the elevator; you can just _fly_ us up there!"

Colette was busy having a tea party with Pikachu and Godzilla, and replied in an annoyed voice, "O.K., O.K., fine." Setting down her imaginary teacup, she took her leave of her 'friends', and hovered above Sheena, who promptly grabbed onto her ankles. The Chosen began to soar into the air, narrowly missing Godzilla's jaws that playfully snapped at the two of them on their long and slow accent up.

6 days later...

Colette finally reached the top of the Tower of Salvation, and fell in a heap on the top of it. Her wings had shriveled down to the size of a butterflies after the long ascent they had gone through, and practically turned into 'Sleeping Blonde'. Sheena was alright save for the fact that her wrists seemed to be stretched out to twice their original length. But that didn't stop her from jumping to her feet and exclaiming "WHY THE (f-bomb) IS EVERYBODY ASLEEP? _WAKE UP YA TOE SUCKING MONKEYS_!" Receiving no response from any of her snoozing companions, she realized she'd have to resort to plan 'B'. "I didn't want to have to do this... but I guess I've got no other option." she shrugged with a wicked grin playing across her lips. The ninja then proceeded to walk amongst them, delivering various kicks to their heads and groins. When she reached Genis however, she decided to be extra evil, (just for the hell of it) and electrocuted him with force lightning that she had learned from watching Star Wars (in Pokémon terms, this was 'Super Effective' as Genis was lying in a puddle of his own bodily fluids large enough to drown in).

"Why were you weirdoes sleeping?" Sheena asked as the party members rubbed their various bruises.

"It was all Kratos's idea!" They all yelled, pointing at the bald one.

"No it wasn't!" He defended, "I just felt sleepy, and you morons must have decided to 'follow my example' or something."

"Doesn't matter!" Sheena dictated, "What's with this doorway thingy here?" After the others explained to her the situation, she looked over the structure and sat deep in thought. The others foolishly 'followed her example' again, except for Genis who was going to deliberately disobey and actually do some thinking.

2 weeks later...

Suddenly, Genis stood up and exclaimed, "The _knob_!" He quickly got to his feet, grabbed the brass handle, and turned it. The others peered into the opening that resulted from Genis's magic knob, and saw the most spontaneous thing imaginable:

A short woman was standing at a podium in front of a large audience as she introduced a man walking to the microphone. "This man came from nowhere." The woman said.

The man took her place at the podium and said with a grin, "Hey, where'd I come from?"

Sheena closed the door and said, "_That_ was weird!"

"I wana see more!" Colette protested, working the doorknob. When he opened it, a hundred drunken elephants dressed in erotic pirate costumes rode out of the gateway on thin hippopotamuses. This sight charged past them and went right over the edge of the Tower of Salvation.

"More! More! I _gota_ REASEARCH this!" Raine yelled as she quickly closed the door and reopened it. She poked her head in, let loose a small 'eep' and closed the door.

"What was in there?" Sheena asked.

With a very flushed face, and eyes the size (and shape) of footballs, the professor responded, "Your... swimsuit... that bungiefan89... made that woman... take off. And well, let's just leave it at that there was a lot of... movement in the background." Everyone (except Colette who didn't understand) gave a strong shudder at the thought of the M-rated material that was probably going on behind the door.

Relieving his true opinion, Lloyd said, "I wana see that!" Opening the door, he saw a sight quite unlike what he had anticipated.

There were about 7 dwarves all working in a mine, cracking rock with picks, shovels, and the occasional jack hammer. All were singing "Hi-ho, Hi-ho!", with the exception of one who looked rather drunk with a bottle of whiskey in his right hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. "He-haw, He-haw!" The drunkard 'sang'.

"Shut up, Dirk!" hollered a dwarf that was apparently working a machine that was magically changing rubies and gemstones into $17.42 bills (which had a picture of Richard Nixon on them).

"_Dad_? What are _you_ doing here! I thought you were fired form this job!" Lloyd cried in disbelief.

"I was! I just got rehired by Dopey; he's the new manager!" His poor excuse of a father replied.

Lloyd was so embarrassed, that he just slammed the door shut.

"My turn!" Kratos yelled as he reopened the door. Not wanting to 'share' what was on the other side with everybody else, he just opened the door a crack, and peered one eye through it.

"What do you see?" the others asked.

"I see myself." He said in an amazed tone.

"Why are you talking in an amazed tone?" The others asked

"Well I see myself," He started, "I'm alone... but I'm different... I look older... and I'm Head Boy!"

"WTF?" The others cried (for those of you uncultured people; 'WTF' stands for Wait 'Til Friday).

"I am... I'm wearing the badge like Bill used to..." He continued as the others exchanged worried glances, "and I'm holding the house cup, and the Quidditch cup... I'm Quidditch captain too!" The others closed the door for his own good as Sheena walked up to it.

"My turn!" She squealed in delight. Opening the door, she found herself face to face with Zelos.

"Hi Shee-" was all he could say before the Mitzuhoian slammed the door closed.

"That doesn't count!" She blurted as she flung both doors wide open, letting the entire party see what it beheld. There was nothing but an empty, blindingly white room. At the far end of it was a single switch.

"I WANA PUSH DA BUTTON!" Everyone started kicking and shoving and casting magic as they fought to get to the end of the room.

"WAIT!" Sheena yelled, "It's a switch, not a button!"

"WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN!" was their reply. The fighting continued with various attempts to activate the switch, with failed attempts on everyones part (they insisted on pushing it, as opposed to 'throwing' it). Finally everybody fell asleep with exhaustion, and woke up the next day.

"O.K. let's see what we've got here." Sheena said once everyone had calmed down and every one had taken another anti-A.D.H.D pill. "The label below this chromium thingamajig reads: 'Save The World Switch; if this switch is flipped, then the world will be saved and all the bad guys will be gone... and... stuff.' I say we flip it!' Throwing the switch everyone looked around outside. Nothing had changed.

After a few hundred anime sweat droops, Colette finally spoke, "I guess there was nothing wrong with the world." she concluded.

After a couple more anime sweat drops, Lloyd mumbled "I guess... we should... just go home." he took the pill out of his pocket that held the Retards (once known as Rehards). This resulted in him smacking his forehead and exclaiming, "Why did we take the elevator when we could have used _these_!"

They all shrugged off their stupidity, and hopped on their winged mounts. They had read the label below the 'world saving' switch, but had stupidly overlooked the note that was taped _above_ it. The note read: out of order.

UBER-FIN!

There you have it! Oh, and before the Plagiarist Police come looking for me: I do not own Tales of Symphonia, it's respective characters, or the Tower of Salvation. Nor do I own anything from Star Wars, anything from Star Trek, Board of the Rings, anything from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, or anything that I might have mentioned in the 17th paragraph of this FanFic. Sorry I didn't say that at the beginning, but I wanted a lot of the things in this chapter to be a surprise!

I'd also like to thank _Harvard Lampoon_ for making the book _Board of the Rings_ (a spoof on the whole _Lord of the Rings _series from the sixties). Many of the concepts and humor used in this particular chapter are from _Board of the Rings_. (I also highly recommend this book to anyone who has enjoyed the _Lord of the Rings_ books, and has a relatively advanced vocabulary and/or dictionary.)

And I also thank J. K. Rowling for writing _Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone_ of which I essentially copied paragraphs 151, and 153 (depending on how you count them) of chapter 12 of the book.

For those of you who don't understand the whole 'UBER-FIN!' thing, I'll just tell you that this is the end of my story (boo, hoo!). But that doesn't mean that there will be no chapter 7! Sense I had a lot of ideas for this whole fic, that were funny but didn't fit in; I intend on doing a Director's Cut chapter that will have all of the ideas that didn't make it into this fic, but were originally intended to be there. According to my estimations, this will be something that no one has ever done on this site before.

I'm also sorry for taking so long to write this chapter (I just slacked off, I have no excuse) because it is currently the 6th of June at the time I'm writing this (I'l be able to post this on the 7th).

THANK YOU FELLOW REVIEWERS! R&R. And when you do R&R, then I'd appreciate your honest opinion of what you thought of this entire fic on a scale of 1-10.

And finally, let me address the dozens of readers (who I just KNOW are out there) who read this fic and though they have a review-worthy opinion of it; they don't give a review because they don't know how, or think the process will be too complicated, involving, and/or demanding, or they think their computer will get a virus in the transaction. IT'S EASY; just click on the 'submit review' arrow at the bottom left of this page, and go from there! You can leave it anonymous, I don't care, just do it PLEASE.

Once again, thank you for reading my story! Chapter 7 up not-too-soon!

P.S. I think Green Day is phenomenal (to say the very, very least) but they _do_ look like a bunch of semi-gothic freaks (like KISS, but those guys are a lot freakier). And I absolutely LOATH Lil' bow-wow, Lil' Romeo (assuming those two aren't the same person), Eminem, (not to mention rap-music (which I think is an oxymoron in its self)), Cat-woman, Michael Jackson, Jar-Jar Binks, and the Spy Kids.


	7. C I P Y B, part 1

Author's note: Special thanks to MoonCannon for making me aware of my mistake of posting chapter 6 a second time, instead of posting this one.

This is the 7th and final 'chapter' of the who-knows-how-popular fic, _Can I Push Your Button?_. I'd like to apologize as this isn't really the director's cut that I promised. After thinking back on how unimportant the deleted scenes were, I instead decided to dedicate this chapter to the very first original concept of this story. I know this isn't what I promised, but I figured I couldn't just write nothing at all. I hope you enjoy it.

I'd also like to apologize for another long wait for this chapter, and I know it sounds rude, but I must say that I've been getting _very_ few reviews as of late, and I would like someone to at least _try_ to tell me why this is so. Thank you.

I do not own Tales of Symphonia, its respective characters, or the Tower of Salvation.

ONWARD!

Original flow of story: Fast paced, hard to read, and completely untamed.

Viewer discursion is advised.

Phase 1: Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Raine, Kratos, and Sheena arrive at the Tower of Salvation which has an elevator that can only hold 1 person at a time and takes 24 hours to make it to the top floor.

Phase 2: Considering the possibility that there might be danger on the other side, Raine, who singled out as being the most expendable, and an over all pussy, is thrown into the elevator first.

Phase 3: What Raine does on the elevator ride and on top of the tower of salvation is regarded as unimportant by author.

Phase 4: When the elevator comes down, Genis is thrown in, just so the others can be rid of him.

Phase 5: Genis spends his elevator ride masturbating as best a prepubescent can.

Phase 6: Genis falls out of elevator on the top floor in a flood of his own bodily fluids (much the same way the blood came out of the elevator in the movie _The Shining_).

Phase 7: When the elevator reaches the ground, Lloyd makes Kratos go up so he can have sex with Sheena and Colette. Lloyd also gives him a pair of scissors so he can cut his horribly long hair.

Phase 8: Kratos gives himself a _really _bad hair cut (as opposed to making himself bald) during his elevator ride.

Phase 9: When Kratos reaches the top, Genis spits over the edge of the tower for no reason.

Phase 10: As Lloyd is doing perverted things with the two girls (who have been going along with this without any resistance), Genis's spit ball hits him on the head. He wipes his head, smells his hand with the spit on it, screams, "GENIS!" and runs into the elevator with his swords at the ready.

Phase 11: How Lloyd spends his time in the elevator is considered unimportant by author.

Phase 12: When Lloyd reaches the top he charges out looking for Genis, who has snuck into the elevator unnoticed.

Phase 13: Once Lloyd left Sheena and Colette with nothing to do (forgive me for the pun), they decide to turn lesbian and spend their time that way.

Phase 14: Once the elevator has reached the bottom, it opens up to reveal Genis with a camera inside. He quickly takes as many pictures of the two naked girls as he can before they charge at him in anger. Genis barely escapes.

Phase 15: Story remains unfinished as it was never intended to be a full-fledged fanfic.

FIN!

And there you have it! As you can see, one of the best (or worst) fanfics on this site was originally a very disgusting, perverted, sloppily put together 'story' that I somehow managed to put together when my brother and I were hyped up on the new game we had recently bought (which of course was Tales of Symphonia).

I had loved ever sense I had discovered it a long time ago, and I finally decided to contribute to the site by posting this story I had thought up (after I had polished it up and actually made it a real fan fic of course).

By the way, how is it possible that I can be on the 'favorite authors list', and the 'author alert' list of one person at the same time? For that matter, I don't understand how I could be on ANYBODY'S author alert list. Please tell me why. And if you didn't like this chapter or any of the rest of this story at all: FLAME ME! R&R!

P.S. If you would like to read any of my other stories, then do a search for Harry Potter titles with the word 'ribbit' in the future. (The term 'ribbit' being the sound a frog makes.)


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